I See You

Little one, I don't even truly know you yet, but I'm already in love.  By surprise, the doctor wanted to do an ultrasound and my heart always skips a beat at the thought of doing an ultrasound.  A skip of beat for fear of not seeing a heart beat, but also the excitement of getting to see you again.

I was emotional.  Crying.  Nervous.  However, there you were and you had grown a lot in 10 days.  I saw your little stubs for arms and legs and I saw the umbilical cord.  As always, you looked perfect.  Just perfect.  Your heart beat was a fast little flutter.  This makes me so happy.

I'm elated that I got to see you today!

See you next Friday.
Love,
Mommy

Worries

Good morning little one.

It's been a little over a week since I've written to you, but I think of you every second.  Quite frankly I wonder and worry if you are still alive.  A huge fear that I battle with daily.  I wish I could have an ultrasound weekly to see that you are okay.  Every lower abdomen twitch I feel I freak out.  I wish I could just relax...I don't think this is going to happen any time soon.

We spent the last week in Hawaii and you enjoyed the Hawaiian mud pie ice cream....every day.  It was a nice, relaxing trip and I'm thankful for Keri and her kind heart.  She was constantly asking, "How's Herm doing?"  I think she already loves you too.

Dr. Wittman is going to meet you for the first time today.  Hopefully we will get to hear your heartbeat.

Praying for you.
Love,
Mommy

Breakfast of Champions

Hey Herm,

I hoped you enjoyed your breakfast this morning, Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, because your mommy loved it!

The nausea has kicked in full force.  It started as a suttle, "I don't feel so good." here and there, but now it is a constant queasy feeling.  ALL. DAY. LONG.

It's okay though.  I'll forgive you.  This is just a great sign that you are growing healthy and strong.

Can't wait to see your little heart beat tomorrow.  I'm scared that it won't be there, but I continue to pray for you and I'm trying hard to trust in God.

I love you.
Mommy

P.S.  Enjoy the slice of sourdough bread and ginger ale for lunch.  It's all I can seem to eat right now.

Saltines and Water

Hi Herm.

Today was not so pleasant.  

All I could eat were these...

And drink this...

A diet of saltine crackers and water is probably not the best for you, 

but until I'm feeling better the crackers for you will have to do.  

Love,

Mommy

P.S.  My nausea is just a good sign that you are doing great

 and I will take every minute of it...

if it means you are healthy and 

growing just as you are supposed to.  

Corn Dogs

Diet from August 7th...

Breakfast (8:00):  A bowl of strawberries, a string cheese and a small cup of coffee with cream

Snack (9:30):  1/2 of a maple bar (first really sweet thing in about 4 weeks)...I could barely handle it.

Lunch (12:30): 2 small corn dogs (all beef), 1/4 cup hummus and pita chips

(I crashed on the couch between 1:00 and 5:00.)

Snack (5:00):  Peppered salami and cheese sandwich with sweet hot mustard

Dinner: (7:30): Bacon spinach salad with honey mustard dressing

Snack (8:30): Raspberry milkshake...yum!  This definitely hit the spot!

At church yesterday there was a kid who sat in front of me that had a yellow t-shirt on with a corn dog advertisement.  I have no idea what the pastor's message was (I think it was something about revenge) because all I could think about was eating a corn dog.  Again, I don't quite understand the whole "craving" thing, but for an hour and a half all I could think about was a corn dog and if I didn't get that corn dog right away after church I think I would've eaten my arm off.  

I'm so thankful I have an understanding, very patient and loving husband because, without question, he pulled into the nearest Fred Meyer parking lot, dropped me off up front and waited for his pregnant wife to come strolling out of the store grinning from ear to ear with a box of all beef frozen corn dogs.  That was one of the best corn dogs I have ever eaten.  

Thanks, babe, for taking care of your pregnant wife.

Diet

Dear little one,

I feel like I should start tracking what I am eating.  I want to do this for a couple of reasons; to actually realize what my diet is and I also find it entertaining what this mama's body is wanting.  The whole craving thing is bizarre to me and my idea behind the cravings is that what I crave is what my body needs (or I am lacking).  I'm not sure how accurate my logic is, nonetheless, tracking my diet will be entertaining.

I'll start logging my diet from yesterday...

Saturday, August 6th

Breakfast (9:30): BLT sandwich and a cup of coffee with cream

Snack (10:30):  About a 1/4 cup of bread and butter pickles and 4 slices of peppered salami (weird)
Lunch (1:00):  Peppered salami, string cheese and saltine crackers
Snack (2:30-ish):  (Aidan's birthday party)  A ton of strawberries...I couldn't get enough
Dinner: (6:00):  Cheeseburger on the grill with pickles, mustard and ketchup...this has been an ongoing desire since day one.

Current aversions:  Anything sweet.  What?  This is very much unlike me.  I usually have the biggest sweet tooth.  I also can't stand the sight or smell of anything related to chicken, including eggs.

That's about it for now.

Later, little one.

Love,
Mommy

Frame of Mind

Good morning, Hermie.

Your daddy and I were talking this morning and with you being the 4th we find it interesting that our (my) frame of mind is different than before.  With the first pregnancy I think I was naive to the idea of losing our baby.  Nobody talks about miscarriage, although it is very common.  Therefore, I guess I never really thought about it...and I was so excited to be pregnant.  The second pregnancy I was in denial.  I was disconnected due to fear of losing another baby.  I struggle with the "what if".  What if I would've gone to the doctor right away?  Could the loss of our second had been prevented?  This "what if" weighs me down a lot even though I try to look to the positive.  The third pregnancy I was angry.  I didn't want to be pregnant.

My mind frame is different with you little one.  I physically feel different.  My symptoms are strong.  I saw your fluttering, little heart beat.  My clothes are already snug.  I'm excited to share with others...but at the same time a little hesitant.  I look forward to every doctor's visit....even though I'm a little nervous too.  I'm already thinking about what it will be like to hold you, to hear your little cry and to look you in the eyes and call you ours.

I continually pray for you.  I enjoy this new frame of mind.  I love you.

Love,
Mommy

Heart Beat

Dear little one,

I saw you yesterday and I couldn't stop crying.  Tears of joy, excitement, and fear.   Your little heart was beating so fast and you seemed happy as can be.  Dr. Gavrila said you look great, for the little sesame seed that you are.  Molly was there too and she was so happy to see your little heart beating.  I'm so thankful that she was there...it meant a lot to me.

I can only hope that you will continue to grow healthy and be just right.  I can't wait to see you again in two weeks.

Love,
Mommy

For The Love, McDonald's

  Oh, McDonald's.  I've never been a fan, but apparently, little one, you like it.  You like it A LOT!  A number 5:  sausage McMuffin with cheese, yummy-greasy-potato thingy, and an orange juice.  I'm going to go with the beef (or whatever that is that's in the sausage).  That's why you like it so much.  I hope the McDonald's craving goes away because not only does it disgust me slightly, but it's also expensive.

It's all for a good reason, right?

Praying for you little one.
Love,
Mommy

Aunt Teagan

Aunt Teagan found out about you last week.

We met in Portland for a lunch date.

I couldn't keep her from you.

I made her a hat...from you.  

It's WSU and Eastern colors.

Aunt Teagan teared up and grinned from ear to ear.

She's excited to meet you.

She and Uncle Kurt are praying for you.

I think they already love you.

How could they  not?

You are perfect.

Love,

Mommy

Herm-Hermie-Hermoine

Oh little one.  Your daddy has come up with a name for you.  "Herm".  As in hermaphrodite.  Apparently he thinks you have both a penis and a vagina.  I suppose you do.  Anyway, daddy finds it entertaining to call you "Herm" or "Hermie"...at one point he did go one step further to call you "Hermoine", just in case you turn out to be a girl.  Your daddy thinks he's a funny one. He is, really.  

I don't care if you are a boy or a girl.  I just want you to be healthy...and make it.  

Love,

Mommy